Sure, I know we’re all supposed to be acting like grown-ups these days – bucking up, buckling down, toughening up, pulling up our socks, straightening our ties – being more sober than we’ve ever been. And I know a lean, mean look, buffed up like Michelle Obama’s arms, much better suits these tougher times than a, shall we say, softer, silhouette.
Call me a self-indulgent whiner, but I still say losing weight or getting in shape is hard, and I still say hard stuff is, you know, tough. That’s why I had a warm, fuzzy blast to the past – you remember, the good old days when we still thought we could get something for nothing, like maybe 2007 – when I read about this “diet” to lose weight through more sleep. Not getting enough sleep could contribute to putting on the pounds so, yes, of course, just get some sleep and watch the pounds melt away. This is my kind of diet.
Still, it’s not enough. Now, sloth is one of my favorite sins, and if I can indulge it while thinking I’m going to lose weight, sign me up. But what about the six other deadly sins? We all have our personal preferences. There must be a way to tap everyone’s favorite weakness for diet purposes. So, as spring’s warmth and beauty leads to the shedding of our protective layers of big coats, I’m working on some seven sins diet tips.
Wrath is a pretty easy one to use. Pretend your partner has left you for a twenty-years-younger hardbody. How do you feel? Now use that anger to fuel getting into shape. About to slack off on the rowing machine?–more wrath!
And lust? Also easy. I’m not even going to bother Googling “sex diet” for you. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be the calorie burning or if you’re supposed to distract yourself from food, but feel free to let me know if you figure it out.
Envy might work it you adapt those old dieting suggestions to envision yourself as you want to be. This time, envision someone else who looks how you want to. Don’t you really want to look like her? Of course, she probably has better genes. It’s not fair. Not at all fair. Boy is it not fair. Think about it. Go to the dark side. Try this when the brownie pan is calling your name.
Good old fashioned pride, as in pride in your appearance, isn’t usually a lot of help in preventing pound creep in the first place, but like envy it might work if it’s taken to that sinful level. Sure, you want to be proud of how you look, and proud of how you do at the gym, right? You can stay on the treadmill longer than that twerp next to you, right? And that over-muscled guy too. And that rail-thing mother of three – her too! Ha! You can beat all of them. At least until you collapse in a pile of sweat. Then you can be proud of how much more sweat you’ve got.
Gluttony and greed are tough ones to adapt for diet purpose. Too much of them and that’s how you get to the point of needing a diet. But let’s try to stretch it. What about being greedy for attention as you tell a fabulous weight loss story? Being ravenously gluttonous for grapes and celery? No, doesn’t quite work for me either. But are diets really supposed to work anyway?
I better sleep on it.