I don’t know what it’s like in your neck o’ the woods, but around here it’s early June and practically summer; and I think it’s almost starting to get officially ridiculous to wear knee-length wool sweaters, long winter coats, layered anything and, most sadly of all, sturdy black pants. Which means, yet again, it’s that time of the year when there’s less fabric available to cover one’s fleshy parts. Which is rather annoying if, yet again, there’s still more flesh to the fleshy parts than one might have hoped.
Apparently there’s this exercise thing that can help with that fleshiness thing. Although I have a decent theoretical knowledge of exercise, my practical experience in the field is somewhat lacking. So, as always when in doubt, I’ll turn to Moral Certainty Mommy for some of her wise help with your questions about exercise and fitness.
Question: My sister-in-law has been telling me about this game or something where you stand on a board and watch TV, and it’s like exercise? But she calls it pee-pee or something, so I think she’s kidding me, right?
Moral Certainty Mommy: Ah. You must be referring to a new exercise program that has been quite heavily publicized recently. It is indeed for a game console called, not pee-pee, but named apparently after that very same bodily function. The real fitness achievement of the game is that you can chart your progress in becoming more and more acclimated to relating only to screens and less and less disposed to leaving your own home – and thus to becoming further removed from temptations of the outer world such as fast food, donut shops and ice cream parlors, at least if they don’t offer on-line delivery ordering. Personally, I find the game works best if watched with a large pitcher of sangria at hand – the fruit and red wine in the drink of course providing an antioxidant boost for extra health gains.
Q: Whenever I meet someone who’s lost weight and she looks great, I ask her how she’s done it, and they always say the same thing, exercise and eating better. But isn’t there really some secret that somebody’s not telling me? I mean, isn’t there some way to get the benefits of exercise without getting off your butt? Because, you know, I read about famous actresses who look great and they just walk their dogs twice a day or something.
MCM: Well, perhaps. What is not mentioned is that if these women get their only exercise from walking their dogs, then they’re walking them from L.A. across the Mojave Desert and back. The basic keys to fitness do seem to be rather clear, despite the array of new products and diets that spring up every day. There is one “secret” tip to having an easier path to looking great or staying healthy as you age, but unfortunately once one’s parents are selected it’s too late to take advantage of that. Nevertheless, if you feel your retirement plans are already well funded, you might want to buy every new diet plan book and exercise device you can find – I’d be happy to channel your funds for you if you’d care to send them to me.
Q: I’m really busy, I mean like everyone, but my trainer says I should try to fit in exercise whenever I can. He says he has a lot of clients who answer emails on their BlackBerries while they’re on the treadmill. I mean, it was bad enough when I was pregnant and my midwife told me to do Kegels at every stoplight. But now I’m supposed to do isometric abdominals every time I’m on the phone. And I try but then I forget what I was talking about, or I lose count, or once I was talking to my boss and I forgot to release my muscles and breathe and I kind of passed out, but I don’t think he noticed because I kept saying “mmhmm.” But I just feel so inadequate.
MCM: What? Oh, forgive me, I was trying out a downward dog. Exercise is a fine way to take a mental and physical break from your daily routine. You must make it a priority for yourself to take the time and space to focus on exercise, and your feelings of inadequacy will disappear.
Q: Yes, but I mean, how do I make the time?
MCM: Er, yes. As we all know, we can always find time for what is important to us. By the way, did you know that chocolate is also a mood enhancer?
That’s it for today. Moral Certainty Mommy said something about an appointment at her gym, at the smoothie bar or something, so we’ll thank her for her help until next time.