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Monoboob to the Rescue

May
23
2006

Well babes, just when you thought it was safe to stop worrying about your underwear, along comes the dreaded monoboob to make you focus on what’s important again.
Back in my day, meaning the days when I was first beginning to concern myself about any outward manifestation of my undergarments, a visible panty line – VPL if for some bizarre reason you had felt you had to discuss it so often you needed an abbreviation – was the big deal women (girls) had to worry about. Although, and this will strike you younger folks in the audience as practically 19th century, a bra strap showing was also considered tacky.
Now that everyone in the target audience for VPL concerns wears thong underwear, and is proud to show it off, a whole class of “fashion don’ts” has been eliminated. But, never fear – and while I’m not wrapping my head in aluminum foil to block the radio waves or signing up for the conspiracy theorist newsletter, one must wonder where these ideas come from – there’s now the monoboob to worry about. This is apparently what happens when a woman wears a tight top that smooshes her two breasts together into one. I can’t really describe it because I’ve never noticed it.
Lately I have been idly reading articles that cross my path about jogging bras, not because I’m a jogger necessarily but preparation is half the battle, right?, and this monoboob thing is all over the place. (Or uniboob if you prefer, which gets even more hits on Google.) I’ve certainly never heard of the concept until recently, and I have been around some catty people. Maybe large-breasted women (not my case) knew about it before; apparently they’re more subject to this terrible condition caused by the wrong bra, swimsuit or top. (Look, even the New York Times is concerned about it, although they quite staidly call it unibreast.)
So I know we’re all supposed to double check the mirrors now for this sartorial fault, but to me a monoboob sounds like an avenging Zorro type swooping in to the sound of the “Ride of the Valkyries” – “Look, Monoboob is coming!” “Take that, bad guys! Thwack, thwack. And next time, keep your eyes where they belong.”
Weren’t the Amazons, those mythical warrior babes, supposed to be one-breasted? And they were pretty tough. And there are women who’ve had a breast removed because of cancer who use the term to refer to themselves.
Looking for humor in a tough spot is certainly better than using the word to add to the checklist women are supposed to follow to evaluate themselves before being seen in public. A gal just wants to get a little exercise, she manages to get some supportive undergarments on, and instead of clearing her head, she’s supposed to worry about monoboob before she heads out the door? Forget it. (Unfortunately women in many parts of the world have a lot more to worry about than some catty comments if they want to head outside for exercise; those parts of the world of concern include some areas of the United States, and much of it after dark.)
It’s not a surprise that some people have very definite ideas about how women’s breasts should be presented – breastfeeding mothers can still have trouble in public, for example. What we all need is a crusading avenger, someone like – Monoboob!

Share  Posted by Deborah Klosky at 4:42 PM | Permalink

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