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Soccer Moms of the World Unite–and Resign!


Soccer games have kept me from resting as much on the weekends as I should, so to give myself a break I’ve invited back Moral Certainty Mommy to examine some of the issues that have come up with different parents during the season.
Q: I have three kids all playing soccer. I’ve calculated that I spend an average of 25.7 hours a day on soccer and soccer-related activities. Yet an Earth day only has 24 hours. Do you think I could get a genius grant to study this?
MCM: No. There is no fellowship category for “soccer moms.”
Q: I hate being called a soccer mom.
MCM: Of course you do. No one likes to be tucked into a pigeonhole for marketing purposes. When phoned by an opinion survey, I myself often pretend to be a 67-year-old white male evangelical Christian Republican who favors abortion rights and open borders, simply to confuse matters.
Q: The other families on my kids’ soccer teams are nice enough, yet I just don’t want to devote any more time to soccer by sitting through a formal awards banquet for pee wee players. But my kids would really enjoy it. Is it wrong to pretend I have appendicitis when the night comes?
MCM: No. Learning to handle disappointment is a part of growing up, and who better to teach children about disappointment than their mother? When they learn you are fine, their relief should completely overshadow any complaints they might have. Or so you must tell them.
Q: What about getting out of going to games by telling your husband that you have to attend a baby shower every Saturday morning? Any problem with that?
MCM: Certainly not. The trick is in not getting caught sneaking back for a nap. I can’t emphasize enough that the heart of a family is the mother, and that to be an effective mother you must preserve your precious me-time. In this sexist society, baby showers are still overwhelmingly female-attended, but taking advantage of this fact is your right and indeed your duty.
Q: I’m sick of taking my turn to bring the snacks and drinks for the team. Do you think the other parents would buy it if I said going to supermarkets is against my religion?
MCM: Don’t be silly. You must tell them your religion requires you to only eat and share Brussels sprouts and prune juice on Saturdays. You will quickly be relieved of your turn to bring anything, I’ve found.
Q: Even on the team of four-year-olds, most parents are pretty aggressive about yelling. I can understand shouting for your kid, but bringing a four-person college cheering squad seems a bit much.
MCM: Indeed. For children of any age, few parents are willing to sit in their lawn chairs quietly sipping from their stainless steel to-go mugs. Some coaches are trying to retrain parents, but that still doesn’t go far enough to remove competitiveness. If parents start to get overexcited, I recommend leading a gentle round of “Kumbaya” on the sidelines.
I hope Moral Certainty Mommy helped any of you with soccer-related questions. I’ve got to go sign a check for the 53-picture sport package with personalized mug and license plate.

Share  Posted by Deborah Klosky at 10:27 PM | Permalink

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