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And the Calories Don’t Count If You Eat It Standing Up


Celebrating Halloween on Monday brought out some ethical concerns I wanted to writeeeeeee about, but my fingers keep getting stuckkkkkkkkk to the keys. So I’ve invited Moral Certainty Mommy to address the issues instead.
Q: Is it wrong to steal candy from your child’s trick-or-treat bag?
MCM:No, it is another example of the immense self-sacrifice mothers endure. Everyone knows candy is bad for you. Childhood obesity is on the rise. By eating your children’s candy – by nobly taking the fat and calories on yourself (especially if they’re in the form of a classic chocolate candy bar with nuts, or with those rice crunchies, or even a simple piece of plain chocolate, or maybe a nice caramel, or…do excuse me, I got carried away) – I say, by doing that, you are making a positive impact on your precious children’s precious health.
Q:But what if I’m caught?
MCM: Children don’t always know what’s good for them. That’s why you must be a firm parent in this case. Send them to bed, and then steal the candy. If they’re particularly suspicious, and this can happen with older children, hide the wrappers at the bottom of the garbage.
Q: When you say mothers, do you mean mothers and fathers?
MCM: No! Any father who steals candy from his own offspring’s Halloween bag is a selfish, uncaring individual. The only exception is if he checks with the child’s mother first and shows that he’s only taking some of the nastier kinds of candy – perhaps something coconut-filled or those disgusting malt balls.
Q: My only child is three months old. Is it wrong to dress her up as a pumpkin, duct tape a trick-or-treat bag to her hand, prop her up in front of a door and ring the doorbell with a stick as I hide in the bushes and say “trick or treat,” just to get a haul of candy?
MCM:No. What a good mother you are to give your child the magic of Halloween at such a young age. Everyone knows that exposing an infant mind to more experiences helps it to develop better and makes your baby smarter. I would be careful what you use to prop her up with though. If you use the family dog, do make sure it understands the command “stay.” Some of us have had an unpleasant experience or two.
Q: My children get tired of going from house to house once we get a few hours past their bedtime, yet I hate to pass up any free candy. Should I let them get to bed on time?
MCM: No. It is a parent’s duty to help prepare her children for whatever the future may bring. The work world no longer provides a job for life: workers must be able to adapt to unexpected changes, to seize opportunities when they arise. That is the truly wonderful lesson you are teaching your children as you alter their possibly too-rigid nighttime routine and drive them on until, oh, midnight, one a.m…or whenever your neighbors start refusing to answer the door.
I hope these answers help with some of the concerns in your own families. I’ve gottttttttt to go wash my hands.

Share  Posted by Deborah Klosky at 1:21 AM | Permalink

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