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Let’s All Have Gay Marriages


How could anyone be opposed to gay marriage? Because I mean, darling, really some marriages are just sooo grim. A little waltzing in the moonlight, a little bubbly under the stars, a little gaiety – that’s what all marriages could use. That’s that settled. Shall we all have a cocktail?
Oh wait. Back to this millennium! There is another definition of gay marriage. Same-sex unions aren’t a regular part of the current landscape yet, but in California they just got a boost before getting stuck again.
Maybe I idealize gay marriage, but it seems to me that people who’ve had to fight for the right to marry might, at least on average, think more than straight couples about what marriage means before they undertake it. Not that, were it legal, there wouldn’t be numbers of gay couples too making idiots of themselves in Vegas.
But, raise your hands out there, who hasn’t attended a wedding that just shouldn’t have taken place? Everyone’s been to at least one, right? And you probably sent a gift chosen from a registry where a couple who’s been eating out of reused take-out Styrofoam boxes now wants dishes at $400 a place setting. And so roughly half of marriages end in divorce.
One big reason people marry mistakenly is because they want a wedding, not necessarily a marriage. Women want to be a princess for the day. And while the bride is often the one more obviously wrapped up in the Cinderella fantasy, some men seem to have their own romantic fantasy scenario that has little to do with the partner they’re marrying.
Then there’s the large wedding industry ready to tell Bridezilla and Frankengroom that yes, they do deserve it all. (This LA Times article talks about the current wedding excess and gives good statistics.) Add in gay marriage, and there’s another billion dollar market waiting to be tapped, according to one estimate. I don’t see how that number doesn’t sway conservatives opposed to same-sex marriage; that much business has gotta be good for America.
Gay marriage should be legal, but let’s try to fix straight marriage while we’re at it. Sure there’s pre-marital counseling, but why not require every couple that wants to get married to, say, spend a weekend building houses with Habitat for Humanity. That will show you something about your partner, as well as get something useful accomplished. Then, if the couple is still interested, they can zip into the venue of their choice for the ceremony. That’s not exactly how I did it, but hey, I’m willing to preach here.
And let’s separate the hoopla from the marriage. No, I’m not saying cut out all the spending; there’s too much money involved and I’d hate to put all those butterflies out of work. But what about spreading the idea that every individual is entitled to one Celebrate Me ceremony in his or her lifetime? It can be when you graduate, when you move into your own place, when you marry, when you divorce, when you stop biting your nails, whatever; but the idea is that more than one is very bad manners. If you use yours up and want to marry with a big ceremony, just hope that your partner hasn’t had his or hers yet.
The ceremony can mimic a wedding, or anything else the person giving it likes, while indulging him or herself silly. Givers can wear anything they want, including a white dress big enough to take out a doorway, can demand millions of dollars worth of gifts, can invite or disinvite anyone and make them fly around the world or wear a dress resembling sausage casings with a bow. Best of all, there’s no pesky partner potentially stealing some limelight, or trying to interject an opinion about the whole thing.
This way the economy keeps getting its spending injections, while anyone who wants to can get married, presumably not swayed too much by the inducement of sampling the menu at every hotel in town or getting the full works bridal makeover at the local day spa.
And so maybe there’ll be fewer cringe-worthy marriage starts.
I’ll drink to that.

Share  Posted by Deborah Klosky at 1:19 AM | Permalink

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