Enough with the award shows already!
I never saw so many people spending so much time patting themselves on the back for so little work.
Yeah, I got it: The Oscars, The Emmys, The Grammys, and the under-rated Tonys; four facets of the entertainment industry. They have their end-of-year awards banquet and pat-pat-pat on the back. They do that over at GM and Merrill-Lynch and Mary Kay and even my son’s school. It’s part of the incentive supposedly to do better and carry on the American Dream blah, blah, blah. I can stomach that, almost understand it.
Then there are the Golden Globes, the Screen Actor’s Guild, MTV, VH1, Country Music, Spirit, Dove, etc. ad nauseum, many of which used to just quietly award their honors and go away, the recognition showing up only in ads and on the recipient’s wall. But now every award gets its own lavish production, affording us all a chance to see just how simple-minded most participants are when you take their scripts away.
I’m sure that if everyone felt like me, there would probably be a sedate (by Hollywood standards, anyway) dinner at which these awards would be handed out much like a teacher’s aid handing back a mid-term. Picture Harrison Ford walking around an auditorium, reading the outside of envelopes: “Hanks, Tom.” Looks around. “Here ya go, Tom. Nice job. Cate? Cate? You here? This is yours. Nice job, Cate”
At least we wouldn’t have to endure any self-righteous speeches from celebrities who, just like the corporations they love to publicly scold, pay a smaller percentage of their income in taxes than you or I do. How can I tell? They’re out at an award show instead of sitting home like us screaming or staring bleary-eyed at the Turbo Tax screen, that’s how.
I’ve got a great idea: instead of acting as if the American viewing public are total morons who aren’t aware of the social causes celebrities think we need to be alerted to, we cancel one single award show season and put all the money that would have been spent on the production, the gowns, the payroll, the advertising, and the promotion toward solving the problem. Surely if Hollywood can go two months without applauding itself, the least we can do is pony up our part! Problem solved.
But I’m aware most people want to see this stuff, people like Dirtman. Dirtman loves award shows as much as I despise them. I’m usually in another room, but get frequent updates, whether I want them or not. Sometimes it’s just easier to sit with him and go about my business, which generally reinforces my disdain, but sometimes leads to some strange fantasies.
Either way, there is no denying that all this fuss is way more than any of them deserve. I can only hope that Jonas Salk, who discovered the polio vaccine, at least got a meal out of his Presidential Medal of Freedom. There is certainly no notation as to whom he was wearing to the ceremony. I’m sure if a movie is made of his life the appropriate honors will be bestowed – on Tom Hanks.
Believe me, if I thought my laundry skills would afford me a chance to get some famous designer to dress me up like a hooker; to have people cheer and call my name as a gay guy with great hair helps to extricate me from a limo; to have some minor celebrity famous for doing nothing ask me inane questions to which I provide inane answers – all for the chance that I might possibly win out over my neighbor for having a better method of removing deck stain paw prints from the front of Heir 2′s t-shirt, then I might not have just thrown the shirt in the rag bin. Hey, a night out’s a night out.
However, most of us must plod on with our useless lives unrecognized for our miserable contributions like raising the future generations without requiring rehab and keeping an economy moving without requiring a $100,000 gift basket every time we enter a room.
I wait for the day that one of these award show to go too far; someone shows up in an outfit too ugly or revealing, exhibits behavior too egotistical and fatuous, or drones on too long thanking people like their gardener for providing the roses that provided the beauty that provided the inspiration…then, perhaps, we’ll gain some perspective.
Me? I’ll stick with watching award winners who do so gracefully.