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Real Issues in the Va. Senatorial Race

Sep
22
2006

This fall Virginia has decided to break with the boring tradition of a senatorial election based on issues. Instead we’ve decided to focus on what is important in any campaign – footwear, etymology, dead presidents, Hollywood and “Who’s Your (Grand)Daddy?”
And I say, thank God. Things were getting pretty dull around here. Usually having the nation’s capitol so close means Virginians get to explore on a day to day basis all the silly antics that go on “inside the Beltway,” as the saying goes.
But things have been decidedly somber, what with the war and all getting in the way of serious political analysis.
Burning issue No. 1: George Allen’s cowboy boots vs. combat boots worn by James Webb, but belonging to his son, a U.S. Marine lance corporal recently deployed to Iraq. Webb says this fashion choice was his son’s idea in response to Allen’s trademark footwear because “there are no cowboys in Virginia.”
I think we need to find out if anymore of the candidates’ wardrobe is saying something. We might be missing an important message.
Burning issue No. 2: How annoyed do you have to be to track down the derivative of an obscure South African epithet to fling at one of an opponent’s minor campaign workers, figuring no one will look it up, because reporters never do that sort of thing?
Next burning issue: Democratic candidate James Webb, having some sort of identity crisis, ran an ad showing himself being praised by President Ronald Reagan. Since Webb has since publicly criticized the late president, Nancy Reagan requested that the ad be pulled.
So George Allen’s ad is now claiming Webb “ignores the wishes of (Reagan’s) widowed wife.”
Oh, the drama! Would Reagan, were he alive today, still like Webb? Or would he like Allen, since the senator is a “Reagan conservative?” And what of Reagan’s widowed wife, staunchly protecting the reputation of her late husband, lest he be thought of forevermore as a “buffoon.”
Perhaps Nancy can call on her psychics to settle this once and for all.
And then there is this: James Webb is a fiction writer and Hollywood insider. So he’s met Barbra Streisand.
Enough said.
And finally: George Allen is Jewish and he didn’t tell anyone.
Actually he says his mother revealed this to him only recently, apparently out of guilt for having foisted ham on him every Easter. Or something like that. Everyday a new episode of George Allen’s Jewish awakening is related to us, kind of like a soap opera only more pointless.
For the record, in spite of the fact that my father claimed that I am, in fact, 1/64th Native American of the Blackfoot tribe, I will not be opening a casino in my basement.
So there you have it. Campaign 2006. I just can’t decide.
By voting for George Allen, I’m voting against a man who has to wear his soldier-son’s used combat boots and that seems decidedly unpatriotic. And what’s with the hot-headed use of esoteric put-downs to cover up a case of 1/16th ancestry shame?
Then again, if I vote for Webb I’d be letting Ron and Nancy down and I’d be letting Barbra Streisand decide who will run the country.
Issues?
Well, those are the issues.
No.
Really.

Share  Posted by Jeanne Jackson at 8:12 AM | Permalink

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